How far would you go?

“Why did you add them back?” I asked with a stern face.

“Who are you talking about?”he asked innocently without looking at me.

Now this is what infuriates me. He perfectly knew who I was talking about. You might call me jealous or any other synonyms as you please. But in my position, every girl would be.
It’s been three and half years that we’ve been dating and now I come across this. It all started when I randomly visited Viren’s profile on facebook and saw his recent updates.
Viren Kapoor is now friends with Rashi Sahay and 3 other people.
I had a feeling what those 3 names would be. And when I checked, my suspicions were correct. He was again friends with those 4 girls whom I had just “unfriended” from his list of friends last night. I know it’s stupid and you might think that I am interfering but all those 4girls are of the type who are beautiful and won’t lose a fraction of chance to show off. They upload their pics every second! Literally! They upload pics when they get up in the morning with the caption “ natural beauty- no makeup of course” but you can still notice a tinge of blush on their cheeks, and then when they get ready to go to some party – which is everyday. And they click pics of themselves standing in front of the mirror and pouting and then naming that folder “self obsessed”.

WTF?!! Who has this much time. Well, I don’t.

Now, the point is that once I caught Viren openly flirting with one of them, telling her that he had once had a crash on her twin sister(of course one of the 4 girls). I saw this conversation in his inbox and yes I had his password, as he had mine.
After a big fight, which concluded after his promising that he realised his mistake and won’t ever again betray my trust, we patched up(how could you think I won’t drag the “lets-just-break-up thingy in between?).

And then after 3 months I saw that he had commented on her pic. So I unfriended and just after a night, saw them back.

“You bloody well know who I am talking about”, I said growing furious.

“I don’t talk to them anymore”, he explained still looking at his hands. So he knew who I was talking about.

“You said the same line last time I caught you”,Isaid.

“You caught me? You caught me? You are saying as if you’ve caught me red-handed having sex with one of them! Bloody hell, Suhani! What is your problem?” he said looking directly at me.

“My problem is that you are not faithful! I told you that I don’t like those girls and I’ve said that numerous times. What is so difficult to UNDERSTAND? I DON’T LIKE YOU COMMENTING OR LIKING THEIR PICS”, I said raising my voice.

“Why? Because they’ve got a better figure than you?”, he said in a matter-of fact voice. As if he was telling me the truth.

Now that hurt. And pinched. Okay fine! I admit that I may not have a figure as sexy as theirs, but my friends tell me that I am good looking.  And my boyfriend insulting me like that, was too much. I don’t know which part hurt more: his saying that I don’t have a good figure or his complimenting them.
I think the first part because the next thing I knew, I stood up and went away.

I knew he was following me and calling me back. But I continued walking and after locating my car, drove back to my home. And then straight to my room. Of course my mom was curious but I waved off her concern by saying that I was tired. I closed my eyes and the next thing I know it was morning.

It was the dull vibration that I woke me up. I searched for my cellphone and found it in my bag. By that time, the vibration had ended. The screen showed 49 misscalls and 15 messages. Before I could read them, Viren’s name flashed on the screen.

The moment I pressed the accept button, he started talking. Rather, apologising.

“Please baby, am sorry am sorry am sorry…..i know I hurt you…”, he said.

After 2 hours and lots of sorrys and you won’t do it again and whole loads of promises I agreed to meet him.

And that was that. 2 months back.

But now again I sat staring at the screen. This time it was the archive messages.

There were 2 conversations in particular.

One was with his ex-girlfriend asking how she was and if she had a boyfriend. Now this was heart breaking.

The next was a random girl who he had added when he saw her in one of our mutual friend’s pictures. He had called her sweet.

Now THIS was heart smashing.

This all set me thinking: is he faithful at all? Can he remain faithful? Even after repeated incidents and reminders he had broken my heart. Again.And again.I felt miserable. Miserable because I still loved him, even after everything he had put me through. Miserable because I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold back if I broke up. Miserable that my love is not enough for him that he can stick with me and not wander here and there.

I know my angst against those girls is unnecessary. They are just telling the world how wonderful and amazing their life is. Perhaps am just blowing this issue out of proportion. Maybe if I stopped looking for reasons to blame him, he wouldn’t wander.

But then there are a set of principals, a set of rules that you wouldn’t want your boyfriend to break. That may be fidelity or faithfulness for same or not abusing for some.

For me it was all about commitment.  So picking up the phone, I dialled his number. He picked after 5 rings and the moment I heard him crooning my name, something snapped inside me. And then very calmly, (yes, I was surprised too) explained him the reason I wanted a break-up. And he agreed with me.

For a few months I was unhappy. My friends tried to reason with me, make me happy and even talking bad things about him. I wanted to believe them but the truth cant change. I love him, even after all this time. The pain and sadness will not go, but some part of my heart will always love him and that very same part would hate him for deceiving me.